Am I too old to be crazy excited for a Disney movie?

The answer is no. Because this Disney movie stars me. Well not ME but a clumsy, optimistic, redheaded princess named Anna, so yeah me in every way (except, you know, princess....) So yeah I'm excited, I'm a freaking Disney princess! This movie, Frozen, has yet to come out but according to the previews at some point the lovely Anna's hair even turns pure white like her sister Elsa's which is even more like me as I am going prematurely gray. So guess where I will be Thanksgiving day, yep watching Frozen. I will go with my hair in braids and a smile on my face.

You are Ninteen going on Eternity.

***Disclaimer: I wrote this when I felt in a bad way about my life and my place in the world, I may not feel as self-depreciating now, but I still think that there is a lot of truth here, not just for me but for anyone in a similar situation.***

You know after a while even the most heart-felt, earnest advice becomes a lecture. After about five times of hearing how bad you've messed up, how you're throwing your life away, how your family only wants you to have a better life, you stop listening. Past a certain point you just give up on trying to explain or stand up for yourself and you put up a shield to keep the waves of negativity off your increasingly fragile psyche. Not all the feedback is negative, no, but every single bit of it tinged with the bitter taste of disappointment. No matter how hard you try to find the silver linings or how grown up you try to rally yourself into being everyone keeps giving you the "I wish you'd done it better" look.

Now is a sensitive time in your life. You're trying to find yourself, trying to make your way, trying to become a full-fledged adult. But at 19 you're in the teen-adult limbo where you're only considered an adult when it's convenient or you've done something childish. If you don't have a job everything you're told ends in "get a job;" if you're not in school everything is"go back to school." God forbid you're neither in school nor have a job, at that point everyone sees you as a waste of flesh and form. Everything you're met with has the crush of finality to it and you can't see through the haze of disappointment to find the silver linings. Sometimes it all seems too much and you need the absolute finality of death staring you in the face before you can really get yourself back together and try to press on. You're only a loser when you let yourself be; cowardice is never the answer. They say it's always darkest before the dawn and you're standing in the twilight.

Regression from Progress.

Sometimes I like to write out letters long-handed just to remember the feel of it. So much has changed even in my short lifetime that as a society we've forgotten what it feels like to open a letter and read the words of another person painstakingly written out in ink. In a time where the most trivial matters can be made known to the world in an instant it can be hard to see why anyone would go to the trouble of writing out a letter and sending it via snail-mail to someone in the hope that by the time they receive it the information will still be relevant or they will have not known it already. Technology has made us lazy and narcissistic, giving us the power to put whatever we like into the world's view in a matter of seconds just at the click of a button or flick of the wrist. We think we are so important now. The internet can make anyone a celebrity. It can  ruin lives, friendships, businesses, dreams, bring down whole nations or build them up. With so much power in our hands shouldn't we be more responsible with it? Has that power corrupted us? Are we any less human because of our reliance on machines? Wold we be able to cope without them ever again? Have convience and speed whittled away at our resolve? If I sent you a book would you read it or wait for the movie? If I sent you flowers would you smell and admire them or put pictures of them on instagram? 

Open your eyes, throw off the rose-colored glasses and take a stand.Regain that lost part of yourself. Write a letter.Draw a picture. Read a book. Go outside. Live a life. Live in the moment. In reality, not virtual reality. Remember yourself. Be unique and individual. Then when all is said and done go back and bring others out into the sunlight.

Beginnings of a story.......

Goosebumps raised the hairs on her arms to stand on end. It was chilly but not cold enough for her skin to react like this. A whisper of fear breezed across her mind and was gone. What was going on? She was in a well-lit, crowded public place minding her own business stuck alone in a secluded corner, ignored by all. What could cause this paranoia rising within her? No one was watching her as far as she could tell. She was doing nothing wrong, just listening contentedly to the canned 90's music pumping through the lobby. She caught the eye of a girl across the room and offered a quick half-smile. The girl nodded and turned back to her french fries. The rain poured down harder outside and the wind tugged against the heavy glass doors. Thunder struck nearby and the lights flickered. Perhaps the storm was getting to her, perhaps it was the unnameable anxiety she'd been feeling all morning, either way she rubbed her arms and willed the goosebumps to fade. She wished she had brought her sweater, at least then she could have smothered the chill.

A blinding flash of light filled all the windows and the thunder struck with a shattering crack, the employees shrieked in fear of the storm but she jumped at something else, something more subtle. The lightning had all but masked the looming figure's approach, but she had caught the dark shadow against the light. Sliding down in the booth she tried to make herself as small as possible. The door opened and the figure slid in, his rain-slick coat slapping against the glass.

To be continued...

Dear Stranger

Dear stranger,
for now,
take no offense
if I become a little
too eager
I want nothing more
for you to know before
we officially meet
the kind of person I am
I've watched from afar
to see who you are
and I loved every moment
I observed
I don't mean to be creepy
but I can be picky
of the friends I hope to make.
So stranger for now
let us go ahead and learn
of each other and of the world.
For I know in my heart
one day you'll be part
of my happy, revolving world.

self

every day I'm someone else

every day I'm me

every day I find myself

but I'm never free

I'm never sure who I am

I'm never sure what I know

I'm never sure where I'm at

or where I'm going to go

I'm going places that's for sure

I'm going straight to hell

I'm going crazy sure enough

and that's not hard to tell

hard to tell what's going on

hard to tell whats right

hard to tell myself the truth

I keep losing sight

losing sight of my dreams
losing sight of the plan
losing sight of myself
I don't know who I am

Unwritten

i am paper

please be my pen

flow forth with words

fill the blanks in

can't do it myself

would if i could

but all alone

i am nothing